Monday, May 9, 2011

Thoughts on Motherhood on Judah's Fifth Month and My First Mother's Day

Motherhood has been a strange thing. I was all prepared to find it really hard and resent the incredible neediness of our baby boy, since I know that's something a lot of women wrestle with despite loving their babies.

Really, though, while I am tired after the full days I take care of Judah, and although he still isn't sleeping through the night... I find him absolutely delightful.

It's the rest of life that has increased in weariness because I'm so tired from taking care of Judah and work, and because a baby's schedule limits everything. I am overwhelmed more easily. I can't find margin to do anything extra between going to work and coming straight home to take care of the kiddo and make dinner. The hardest thing is reworking how Isaac and I connect, since we have to be really intentional about quality time now and we used to just take it for granted.

So... life is a strange dichotomy. It's tough, hard to keep all the balls in the air. I've been pretty tired and discouraged many times this month. And then it's also characterized by some of the most beautiful, overwhelmingly tender moments that I think will be some of the most special of my life. That contrast is a strange thing, such high highs and low lows!

Judah is amazing. I'm overwhelmed by my love for him. As a kid I always thought of children being lucky to have good parents. I guess I never realized that as a mom I'd feel so overwhelmingly lucky that he, specifically that beautiful blue eyed baby, is MINE. It's such a privilege to be Judah's mama, and I tell him that when I'm putting him to bed.

When he's fallen asleep while I'm holding him and he snuggles into a little package and purses his lips together like he does when he's falling asleep, I could burst with all the wonderfulness.When we're on a walk and he's wide-eyed with wonder at the light and breeze and cars and leaves.... I can't believe how adorable he is. When he's in a playful mood and trying desperately to get my attention with giggles... wow.

(Below... this is what Judah thinks of Daddy's TV shows...)

Judah is almost through several milestones. He's almost sitting up, which leads to some great moments like this one:

He's got a lot more hand control, which leads to those fingers scratching any material within reach. This video was a few weeks ago when Joy had worked all week on helping him learn to put his paci in his mouth. He's almost got it down now...

He's figured out rolling over, which has officially made falling asleep a lot harder since now the play potential of the pack-n-play has totally expanded.

And... he loves being scared, watching cars, and peek-a-boo.I wasn't watching the camera below so I cut off Judah's face until halfway through the video - skip to there...


Lucy The Valiant said...

He's so adorable and sweet!! And I get what you're saying about motherhood... it isn't the baby stuff that I resent, it's all the other stuff I'm supposed to be doing!

Jaimie said...

I watched him fall over like 5 times.

Rach said...

I LOVE HIS CHUB! And his squeaky giggles. He's a doll Kacie!

I'm sure this probably isn't that comforting, but our Judah still doesn't sleep through the night at more than a year old, mostly because we've made the choice not to let him cry it out. I understand if parents feel they need to do that, but I also know that it's biologically normal for infants not to sleep through the night...especially when they're breastfed. We've moved to part-time cosleeping with Judah (he starts in his crib and then moves to our bed), and it is soooo much easier for me because I am right there to put his paci in or nurse him almost instantly back to sleep. Anyway, I'm just saying this because when Judah was your little guy's age, I sometimes felt lonely because many of my friends' babies were sleeping all night long!

Kacie said...

Yep, we've part-time co-slept the entire time.... and that's why I'm not more tired than I am. I'd be afraid to do it if I was a roller, but I generally wake up in the same position I fell asleep in.

Judah's sleeping has stretched out as we up the amount he eats in the day, so that's good. I have some friends whose kids sleep 11 hours at night, and it's not because of cry-it-out either. I think it's just... different babies. I'm not overly worried or bothered, but I would love a full night of sleep if Judah ever felt like it. ;)

Hannah said...

I may have to ask to borrow Judah one day!! My husband is all for kids but I don't think I have even the tiniest bit of maternal instinct in me!! Motherhood seems to agree with you though, taking care of a baby and you still look gorgeous and completely pulled together!!