Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Last week on twitter I said this: "These are beautiful days. Weather, yes. But also spiritually, emotionally. So beautiful."
It's true. Much of the time in my last two years of high school were like this. Sure, there were the little ups and downs, but I delighted in life. There was a song that a friend introduced me to in which a woman sings about driving to the beach and dancing on the sand at night. The chorus goes, "I could go on for a million more years if we danced like this every day." It's soft, beautiful, haunting. It would play in my head in those many moments when I would be with friends, watching a Papuan sunset, or watching my family in the living room.
That is how much of this last year and a half have also been. There is still stress and arguments and tough days, but it is so stunningly beautiful simply to live this stage of life. To join into a team of people that I know at work and feel like I contribute and am useful. To come home to little arms around my neck, to get phone calls and hear babbles of excitement on the other end. We are busy, but we have a few evenings at home together each week, and every time Isaac and I find ourselves looking at each other over our little tow-headed boy on the couch or the bed or out and about somewhere and just marveling that this is us, we are a family, and we get to live this life.
I delight in it. I wrote a couple of times (like here and here) about this delight after Judah was born. I speculated and was told that it could be like the honeymoon period of motherhood. I have had many overwhelmed moments with sickness, fussiness, messes, and the other things Judah has come with, but that honeymoon period hasn't passed. Even when externally it really doesn't look fun - when he's clingy or wiggly and I am at my wit's end.... there is that delight. Still there. I can't describe how it wells over me when I pick him up in the morning and lay him down again at night, when I kiss his cheeks or chase him around or make him giggle.
It's more than Judah, though. It's the gorgeous Texas winter evenings that are like Chicago summers, and we spend them on our porch or kicking the soccer ball in the field next door. It's this stage of life. Parenting as a team with my husband, and watching him take delight in Judah too. Knowing this place, this people, having hope and vision and voice. It's a beautiful time. I breathe it in.
I know that parenting and everything else I love about this stage of life truly won't always be like this. One of the things that I've decided and learned from it all is that I want to delight in my life and in those around me. Delight, like joy, is not circumstantial. I can be immensely struggling with other things and still experience delight over the beauty around me. Speaking the truth about pain, suffering, and difficulty, is important. Delighting in the beauty is the balance that is equally important. It recognizes that, my God, You are certainly good, and that goodness is still all around.
This has clarified a few things for me about marriage and parenting for me. I want Judah to know that he is delighted in - that his life alone is worthy of delight. I want to delight in my husband and in the wonder of parenting and doing life together. Sure, the world is marred and we are broken and there is suffering, but there is also beauty, and wonder, and joy. Where I find those things, I want to delight in them.