Sunday mornings are hard for me.
The apartment is a mess because no one cleans up anything on Saturday. I get up and rush to get Judah and I ready for church, which is a nightmare when Judah is clingy in this separation anxiety thing he's got going on with me in the mornings now. He thinks I'm going to leave him and thus must be attached to me all morning. If I can't handle the whining and give in and try to hold him, he's grabbing for my toothbrush/mascara/cereal/etc.
By the time we walk out the door, I am worn out. Two weeks ago I was quiet the whole way to church, unable to summon the energy or enthusiasm to talk about anything. The next thing is church, which is equally stressful for me right now. I either put Judah in the nursery, which means I watch him dissolve into sweet, sad, desperate tears and then I sit unable to focus on the sermon as I worry about him. Last week Judah literally tried to climb up his daddy in a desperate attempt to get away from the nursery worker. They called me to come get him 30 minutes later since he hadn't calmed down at all.
The other option is to "listen" from the TVs in the lobby as I follow Judah as he runs circles around the campus, attempting to keep him from climbing up the stone stair cases and hearing about 1/3 of a the sermon (and I have a hard time concentrating on sermons when there are no distractions around me!).
By lunch Judah is missing his nap and is whiny and wiggly, which sometimes makes trying to eat and carry on a conversation with friends an exercise in futility.
Three weeks ago I just couldn't do it. By the time I left for church I was so discouraged, and it started raining on the way there. The thought of walking the long parking lot in the rain with a baby and heels pushed me over the edge and I drove right past the exit to church and instead drove around Highland Park with my windshield wipers on as Judah and I talked and sang together. Crazy mom? Maybe, but in the end I was so much more calm, and I came home and put Judah down right at nap time and was peacefully finishing the dishes when Isaac came home.
So much for worshipful days of rest. I think it will get better in the next couple of months, but this year of Sunday mornings have been rough.
I'm linking up to Joy in this Journey for her Life: Unmasked series. This is her description:
On Wednesdays, I host a link-up for anyone willing to step away from the pretense that all is well, who will take off their mask with me, and write naked. Being real about our hard days has tremendous capacity to encourage others in their hard days. Life isn’t always good, but we can help each other get through the tough times when we acknowledge the truth. Sometimes the tears are gonna fall.