Glass half-full, glass half-empty. I have no idea if I'm a dreamer or a pessimist, I just think I'm a realist. I'm super practical.
It's amazing, though, how much of a difference a heart attitude makes. A few weeks ago we were working on our plans for this baby's birth, and I was really wrestling with discontentment and longing. It starts with small things, like the fact that I wish we had a room to put Judah in so that he'll be away from baby noises, and I wish we had a guest room so I could easily invite my mom down to stay with us during delivery. But it swells and grows, and oh how I wish we lived near family so it was easier to figure out what to do with Judah while we're at the hospital, and I wish we were finished raising support so that we could go stay near my family until the baby comes and we're ready to leave the country. And then I wish there were a better system for support-raising for so many reasons.
And my sister wrote this beautiful post about wishing and waiting, and I echo it and some of those bigger things are in play right now for those I love like jobs and finances and deep loneliness and perhaps worst of all, cancer and disease.
I know my little longings are simple, but they are real, and the big things where life in the midst of tragedy looms large, that's real too. This wrestling with real life, with life being hard, that's something that's an ongoing lesson for me. On the one hand, I know I'm a child of an entitlement generation, and we think life should be good and easy and are offended when it's not, but I just need to grow up and suck it up and stop complaining! But on the other hand, my Judah's skinned knee is no big deal but still I care, and it's okay that he cries over it. The Psalms aren't all praise, they're half lament, mourning, gut-wrenching anger and pain. That is a part of our lives too, and it's unhealthy of us to act like we should always just be okay.
So, how do I balance this honesty and ability to recognize pain (small or big), with the reality that the most important things, well, He has come, and He is present making things right in my heart and in my world, and hallelujah, glory, and beauty, I live, not just life, but a life made whole because of Jesus.
It is a balance. But I do know that as a "realist", I probably tend towards blunt analyzing, and as an intuitive type of person I tend towards the angsty feelings of life. I find I need to reset my heart, to choose to look around and rejoice. The past few weeks it's been cool to see what I see when I go looking for the beauty instead of all the things I still want. And so this bassinet I mentioned in my last post is such a joy. And the rain and slightly cooler weather that finally came to Dallas has resulted in Judah and I spending lots of time on the porch of our country cabin in a rocking chair, watching and talking about the rain, singing and snuggling. And there is just.... joy. Joy that is unconnected even to small moments of beauty, but that bleeds from a heart that is filled and changed by something otherworldly in my heart.