The three things that make a "good foreigner"

Someone I know went off recently about Westerners (mostly missionaries) who come to Indonesia, saying that he wishes many of them would just go home, with a caveat that there are a few who do good and who should indeed be here. He speaks from a unique perspective. His parents were missionaries, so he is technically from the West, but his heart is here, and he moved back to Indonesia, became an Indonesian citizen, and married an Indonesian woman. He has feet in both worlds. I often seek his advice because of his unique perspective.

I messaged him and asked him what, from his perspective, made the difference between those that he wished would go home and the "good ones". He said three things that I will summarize as I remember them.

1. Genuine relationships and involvement in the local community
2. Generosity
3. Morality/Integrity

This came up in my language school a couple of weeks back as well. We had completed an assignment that involved asking our Indonesian friends what the general perceptions of the community were towards various types of Westerners and their lifestyles. It unearthed some surprising resentments towards particular countries, but beyond that I was surprised to find that my friends responded to questions about the lifestyle of Westerners by saying that they really didn't care if the Westerners lived in nice houses or were wealthy. What mattered was what KIND of wealthy person they were. Were they building relationships locally? Were they generously giving to the neighborhood needs, above and beyond what the average citizen gives? Were they friendly?

When I reported these conversations in class my instructor became very serious and put aside his "Indonesian teacher" hat for a moment to give advice. He said that he wouldn't advise us to try to live in relative "poverty" in order to be like those around us. Like it or not, we will be seen as wealthy, no matter what type of house/car/motorcycle we choose to drive. Our heart and attitude matters much more. He gave an example from within the culture of two types of wealthy Indonesians. One who would drive through the neighborhood in his car and roll down the window and stop to talk to neighbors, and would give above and beyond at weddings/funerals and to those he employed. He would still shop from local shops instead of only at the big grocery store downtown, and would still eat at the roadside food stands instead of just at night restaurants. On the other hand, a man who came into wealth and so perceived himself as better than everyone else, putting a fence around his house to separate him from his neighbors and guard his stuff, and only eating and shopping far from his neighborhood - he is stuck up and unappreciated.

I told my instructor about the three points given to me above and he emphatically agreed and asked me to write them out and send them to him so that future students could benefit. I thought I'd post here as well. It's ironic to me that in the US before coming there was so much said about your vision and effectiveness, when it seems that perhaps the most core things are very simple things that (in my opinion) flow naturally out of the core principles of the life of a Christian. Love God, love others.


It does take reevaluating my life weekly to see if I am living this way, because as simple as it is, sheltering oneself, hiding away... that is actually all too easy. But learning to love and live deeply in a community - that is my goal.

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Ridiculousness in the Discipline/Spanking Debate

A couple years back I posted about disciplining kids and really struggling to figure out what we should do, what I was okay with, and all that stuff. Well, Judah is now three and a half, smack in the middle of testing boundaries constantly, and.... have I moved ahead at all?

So here's the thing. I would still love to not spank my children. There's enough research on the topic that is negative and I have personal reservations about how negative spanking can be when it's linked with anger. But then in the middle of struggling to discipline in the face of direct defiance, I have felt like... I just don't know what else to do! Kids have to learn to obey and behave. And yeah, I know that they need to run around and be crazy and that they get tired and hungry and struggle to keep themselves in check. I know to get down at eye level and speak to him lovingly and firmly. This, however, doesn't take care of disobedience, at least not for us, at least not right now. So, I have spanked, though not often, because sometimes I just don't know what else to do.

I am nearly finished with Shepherding a Child's Heart, the book that so many people in my circles love and recommend. I mostly hate it. There is some good stuff in there about communication and about the ultimate goal of parenting being to point a child to glorify God and enjoy Him. However, the thing that sets the book apart from other parenting books is that it specifically endorses spanking, and I decidedly hate the way they come to this decision. Essentially, they quote the Proverbs about “the rod” and discipline, and say that all other methods of discipline are insufficient, inconsistent, or punitive, and children must be spanked because the Bible says so. They also say that children should be spanked every time they do not obey quickly and directly.

Sorry folks, I just disagree. The scripture speaks about discipline, with “the rod” being a method of discipline of the day. The message is that parents must shepherd and discipline their children, not that children must be spanked. The book also has little in it of grace and there is a lot of talk of children being out of the “circle of blessing” as soon as they disobey in any way. There's no understanding of the constant “twilight' of our souls in which we are being made new but always still also dealing with our flesh. We are either in sin or in holiness and apparently we must discipline our children out of sin and into holiness. 

So. Frustrating. I ranted and raved about the book to Isaac nearly every day. 

In the midst of that frustration I engaged a community of women on a Facebook group I'm involved in. They are believers and fellow Moody alumni, and I know a lot of they (us?) follow attachment parenting methods. When that was being discussed, I threw in my questions about discipline. For those who don't spank, help me understand what else you do? What are the other options? I put in a specific example, but most responses coming from the attachment parenting crowd seem to be about overall theory. That doesn't do me much good. I need to know what you specifically do in response to direct defiance from a child.

I've since been pointed repeatedly to Laura Markham's website, and have read article after article on there and you know what? I am at a loss. According to her, time outs are no good. Spanking is no good. Parent-instituted consequences are no good. So, as I said, what do you actually DO when a child is disobedient and there isn't a natural consequence?? One page gave a play by play response and this is what I come away with. Essentially you do everything you can to avoid coming to that point of direct defiance (yes atmosphere, offer the child win-win options, redirect, etc.) , but if you happen to get to it, remove the child from the situation and talk it through.

Which.... you know.... I quite frankly do not believe that is a sufficient way to address inappropriate behavior and defiance. That is the first thing I do with my kiddo, and on occasion he is then able to resolve the situation. Often, though, nothing changes in his actions or attitude after being removed and speaking seriously together about that situation.

Secondly and more importantly, Markham's ultimate goal in discipline seems to be maintaining a positive relationship with the child at all costs. Creating a strong relationship means the kiddo will respond to gentle guidance instead of needing ultimatums. Evaluate all responses based on whether they strengthen or weaken your relationship. “Defiance is always a relationship problem.” Gosh. There is no sense that the child might sometimes have a heart problem and might make their own negative choices and firmly stand in them. 

In the end, I am equally frustrated by Laura Markham and what I have seen so far of the attachment parenting ideology about discipline of toddlers/preschoolers. On the Shepherding a Child's Heart side, the child is viewed as bad and in need of redemption via spankings. On the other side the child is viewed as good and simply in need of everything being nice and that will be enough to “gently guide.”

I think there's a theological problem in the realm of anthropology and hamartiology here, and it drives some bad ideology about parenting and discipline. There's a song I loved in college by Shaun Groves called “Twilight” that played off the image of the “dawning day and dying night” in the soul, “saint and sinner mingled in my veins.” You, me, my kids, we are stunningly beautiful, precious beings that reflect a God of grace, beauty, creativity, and love. And yet I know my own soul is also “prone to wander” and that without discipline, whether it be from the church, community, the scripture, or discipline that I myself implement on my own heart …. I do damage.

And so, I believe my children need love and relationship and discipline. As their parents, we are responsible for that. What that specifically looks like, I still am not sure. I just know I'm disappointed by the extremes on both sides, and the way the evangelical world sometimes buys into them. Anyone have any other favorite resources/books about parenting? I'm in the middle of struggling with it, and I find that reading keeps my thinking and being intentional in how I respond to Judah in this stage.

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Privilege and Responsibility as an American Overseas

Privilege.

I am privileged. I grew up with it, and then I simply took it for granted. I knew my family had more money than our neighbors in their wood slat houses, more money than the ladies with small piles of fruit stacked in front of them at the pasar, more influence than those around me at church who could do nothing but pay the bribe, bow to the will of the police and military, and just live with injustice. For the most part our lives were the same. Eat. School. Sleep. Parents. Romance. Marriage. Kids. Sickness. But in so many ways that I simply took for granted because I was a child, I had privilege simply because of the family/nationality that I was born into.

Then I spent my adult years in the US, enriched by the fact that I knew what life was around the world. So, I was entirely okay with at times being "poor" compared to those around me. I picked up dropped coins in college, thankful for a little more to pay for a train ticket. I paid my way through college. We paid for seminary, lived in small apartments, drove old cars, and struggled to pay our medical bills. We shopped at Walmart and Aldis and Payless shoes and Goodwill. It wasn't always like that, but it was at times.

And now here I am across the world again, and instead of being poor, I not only know I am rich compared to the majority, the people around me know it too. There is no denying it. Based on where I come from (the USA), pretty much no matter what sector of society I come from in the US, I am wealthy here.  It might take a good amount of money and effort to get here, but once here, I am wealthy even when I live on a very small US stipend. I have people who work for me to watch my kids and help keep the house. I could eat at the nicest restaurant in town without batting an eye. My "oh, I just got them at Payless" shoes are worth a week's wages for a laborer.

How do I live with that?? It weighs heavily on me and I find myself wanting to hide it. I am SO so thankful for the ladies that work for us that allow me to go to language school, but I feel guilty that someone else scrubs my bathroom floor. I can get most things at the local open air market but it is much easier and more comfortable to shop at SuperIndo where there is AC and carts and everything in packages. It's more expensive.... but we can easily afford it because it's still way cheaper than US prices. Do you do what you can afford? We have been living in a house without a shower, oven, or dryer, so we are living differently than most of the Westerners. But you know what, my friend lives with six people in a house with a dirt floor and a mat on the floor for living room furniture. Oh right. Perspective.

I sit in school and I recognize that my instructors are young women my age, with kids my age, and I see us as equals. They worked hard, they have a profession, they are doing well at their jobs and are blessing others. And yet when we talk about where to eat, shop, and relax, I realize that they are giving tips for the wealthy Westerners, and they live a different life. I am wealthy.What?

It's hard. Hah, did you hear that? It's hard? Ridiculous. Poor wealthy American girl, has a hard time knowing what to do with her privilege.

As I struggle to know what to do, I can't take a queue from the Westerners around me. They may be wrong. The wealthy measure themselves by the standard of other wealthy folks, and it's too easy to simply continue on as you were. I also sometimes want to hide my wealth, to pretend that I don't have this privilege, because I am not comfortable with it.

Instead I am going to open my Bible this year and read it differently. I'm going to read the many, many passages about money, wealth, and possessions and realize that I am the one that those passages are written for, and that I better sit up and listen and obey. Jen Hatmaker wrote something recently on her blog that was helpful.

Two things I want you to get rid of as soon as you can: first, that guilt. Really. You were born into privilege. You didn’t pick that, earn it, or deserve it – this is simply your lot in God’s sovereignty. The sooner you can quit lamenting your advantages and your distribution of them, the better. God is not engineering a Guilt Trip. Just go ahead and knock that off. He is giving you eyes to see a little better and ears to hear a little clearer, and you wringing your hands and mourning lost years is not helping. You did the best you could with what you knew. Now God is just giving you more to know, so off you go. Don’t be guilty; be grateful, be generous, be brave.  

That's what I want to remember. Guilt doesn't help anyone. Instead, now that I realize what I have been given, what do I do with it? How do I use what I have been given for good and for God's glory? It's not about me and what people think of me and how I feel.... it should be about obedience and love.

And so... I am reading and praying with new eyes.

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Living in the Village

There was a blog post that went viral among my mommy friends over the past few months titled, "I Miss the Village." The fact that it went viral just highlights the isolation that mommas in suburban America feel. I felt it too. 

It's different here, so strikingly different. I'm IN the village everyone is dreaming about. Since I'm here, let me just say that I'm not sure you could hack it, Western mamas, if you were given the chance to create "the village" over there. You'd have to make major adjustments... to things that you value. Consider, what's more important to you? "The village", or your independence, the privacy of your family, your extra-curricular activities, and the security of your children?

It's so incredible in some ways, being here. I came home from the store with Elly in her wrap and the neighbor told me next time to just drop Elly off at their house while I go to the store. At the corner is another sweet lady who calls herself Elly's grandma and anytime I walk by she takes Elly and tells me to go work on homework... so I do. 30 minutes of free babysitting! The neighborhood kids all gather in little packs after school and can be found playing games or just hanging out in random corners of the neighborhood. The little ones are looked after by the big kids, and every local parent knows all of the other kids and is responsible for any needs that pop up when the kids are in their front yard. When I go to the store the employees take Elly and watch her while I shop. Hands free shopping! When we eat out for Sunday lunch, the family next to our table for the last two weeks has noticed that my attempts at eating while holding a wiggly infant are less than successful, and have taken her until I'm done. Judah wanders to the field beside the restaurant with other kids and plays while the adults eat.

It's not just with kids, either. We live in a small town but it's still the "village" in the sense of a small local community. Things are very local here, both as a culture and as a governmental policy.  Our neighborhood, maybe 40 houses, has a head guy that we reported to when we got here. The neighborhood plans holiday festivities, greets new members, divides up neighborhood watch duties, and attends to important neighborhood issues. It's as if your neighborhood association was actually the city council. At our first community meeting we introduced ourselves so that everyone would know who we were, where we live, where we came from, etc. If we are out of town for a couple of days or have someone staying with us, we let the community leader know. If someone dies, it's announced from the local mosque loudspeaker and immediately (as in like, within hours), the corpse is laid out in the home and the entire community gathers and sits with them, joins in mourning, and pays into the funeral expenses. On Friday everyone goes to mosque together. We've been here two months and we know half the neighborhood and gather with them for at least three official neighborhood meetings each month. In the US I would have probably just met the people next door.

So here's the thing. To get the village, you give up other things. You give up privacy. For neighbors to know each other, you can't have soundproof walls and gates and cars so that you pretty much get from your bedroom to the cubicle without speaking to anyone except perhaps someone at the Starbucks drive-through. Here, neighbors may well know when our kid is throwing a fit, what we generally cook, if we've had a fight, when bath time and bedtime is, recent purchases, when we go on vacation, etc. There's no keeping your house messy and no one knowing it, there's no having a pantry full of overpriced luxury goods or crappy dollar store brand but no one knowing it.  In the West we idealize the community support but then we really like to go home, get away from people, lock the front door, and know that we can squabble, discipline, and have a private family routine that is away from everyone else.  The more private you are, the less you live in the village. Which do you want?

It's kind of ironic actually because at the same time as the "I Miss the Village" blog was going viral, another blog was as well, about how moms feel constantly judged by each other and calling for an end to mommy wars. Here's the thing. If you really want the village, you're going to have to give up the desire to avoid critique. If other people get to help parent your child, they also get a say in how it should be done. Here I have received constant advice on how to dress my child, what to feed them, when to bathe them, school, play activities, safety guidelines, medical advice, etc, etc.  It can totally make me feel judged and like I don't know the best thing for my kiddos. Guess what. I may actually not know the best thing, and if I want to parent in the communal village, I best get over it.


Then there's independence. We like our cars because .. well... we don't know how to live without them. With them we get to the store, to church, to school. It gives us the freedom to get where we want to go, right? That way we can do all the extra curricular stuff we like to do. Sports. Church events. Art classes. Library time. Etc, etc. And then you can swing by your favorite store, drive to church on Sunday, and eat out at your family's favorite restaurant afterwards. Except, you know what almost every single one of the those activities do? Takes you away from the neighborhood. What if you used your car only to go to work? What if you only chose extra curricular activities you could walk to, ate only at restaurants within a mile of your house, shopped only at the closest grocery stores, and went to the church around the corner instead of across town? Could you do it? You have to give up the ability to choose your favorite things if you really intend to foster "the village". Church in the US attempts to recreate its own village through a host of community-building activities, but the down-side of that is that they are only attended by church people rather than people around you of all stripes, including different religions, ages, and socio-economic status.

It's the same thing with people. It's true that in the US we've lost some of the village, but the benefit is that you pick your people. You decide which groups your or your kid are in, but if you are limited to your neighborhood then, well, what if the guy next door is weird and the mom across the street is controlling and the kid on the corner is a bully? Are you still willing to live in that village? It'd be great to have others helping to raise your kid, but you also are giving all of those people your trust to guard your children and be an influence in their lives.

In the end, I'll take the village. I just think that the Western world needs to weigh their values and understand what they have to begin setting aside if they really want to foster that "village".

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