A couple years back
I posted about disciplining kids and really struggling to figure out
what we should do, what I was okay with, and all that stuff. Well,
Judah is now three and a half, smack in the middle of testing
boundaries constantly, and.... have I moved ahead at all?
So here's the thing.
I would still love to not spank my children. There's enough research
on the topic that is negative and I have personal reservations about
how negative spanking can be when it's linked with anger. But then in
the middle of struggling to discipline in the face of direct
defiance, I have felt like... I just don't know what else to do! Kids
have to learn to obey and behave. And yeah, I know that they need to
run around and be crazy and that they get tired and hungry and
struggle to keep themselves in check. I know to get down at eye level
and speak to him lovingly and firmly. This, however, doesn't take
care of disobedience, at least not for us, at least not right now. So, I have spanked, though not often, because sometimes I just don't know what else to do.
I am nearly finished
with Shepherding a Child's Heart, the book that so many people in my
circles love and recommend. I mostly hate it. There is some good
stuff in there about communication and about the ultimate goal of
parenting being to point a child to glorify God and enjoy Him.
However, the thing that sets the book apart from other parenting
books is that it specifically endorses spanking, and I decidedly hate
the way they come to this decision. Essentially, they quote the
Proverbs about “the rod” and discipline, and say that all other
methods of discipline are insufficient, inconsistent, or punitive,
and children must be spanked because the Bible says so. They also say
that children should be spanked every time they do not obey quickly
and directly.
Sorry folks, I just
disagree. The scripture speaks about discipline, with “the rod”
being a method of discipline of the day. The message is that parents
must shepherd and discipline their children, not that children must
be spanked. The book also has little in it of grace and there is a lot of
talk of children being out of the “circle of blessing” as soon as
they disobey in any way. There's no understanding of the constant
“twilight' of our souls in which we are being made new but always
still also dealing with our flesh. We are either in sin or in holiness and apparently
we must discipline our children out of sin and into holiness.
So. Frustrating. I
ranted and raved about the book to Isaac nearly every day.
In the midst of that
frustration I engaged a community of women on a Facebook group I'm
involved in. They are believers and fellow Moody alumni, and I know a
lot of they (us?) follow attachment parenting methods. When that was
being discussed, I threw in my questions about discipline. For those
who don't spank, help me understand what else you do? What are the
other options?
I put in a specific example, but most responses coming from the attachment parenting crowd seem to be about overall
theory. That doesn't do me much good. I need to know what you
specifically do in response to direct defiance from a child.
I've since been
pointed repeatedly to Laura Markham's website, and have read article
after article on there and you know what? I am at a loss. According
to her, time outs are no good. Spanking is no good. Parent-instituted
consequences are no good. So, as I said, what do you actually DO when
a child is disobedient and there isn't a natural consequence?? One page gave a play by play response and
this is what I come away with. Essentially you do everything you can
to avoid coming to that point of direct defiance (yes atmosphere,
offer the child win-win options, redirect, etc.) , but if you happen
to get to it, remove the child from the situation and talk it
through.
Which.... you
know.... I quite frankly do not believe that is a sufficient way to
address inappropriate behavior and defiance. That is the first thing
I do with my kiddo, and on occasion he is then able to resolve the
situation. Often, though, nothing changes in his actions or attitude
after being removed and speaking seriously together about that
situation.
Secondly and more importantly, Markham's
ultimate goal in discipline seems to be maintaining a positive
relationship with the child at all costs. Creating a strong
relationship means the kiddo will respond to gentle guidance instead
of needing ultimatums. Evaluate all responses based on whether they
strengthen or weaken your relationship. “Defiance is always a
relationship problem.” Gosh. There is no sense that the child might
sometimes have a heart problem and might make their own negative
choices and firmly stand in them.
In the end, I am
equally frustrated by Laura Markham and what I have seen so far of
the attachment parenting ideology about discipline of
toddlers/preschoolers. On the Shepherding a Child's Heart side, the child is viewed as bad
and in need of redemption via spankings. On the other side the child
is viewed as good and simply in need of everything being nice and
that will be enough to “gently guide.”
I think there's a
theological problem in the realm of anthropology and hamartiology
here, and it drives some bad ideology about parenting and discipline.
There's a song I loved in college by Shaun Groves called “Twilight”
that played off the image of the “dawning day and dying night” in
the soul, “saint and sinner mingled in my veins.” You, me, my
kids, we are stunningly beautiful, precious beings that reflect a God
of grace, beauty, creativity, and love. And yet I know my own soul is
also “prone to wander” and that without discipline, whether it be
from the church, community, the scripture, or discipline that I myself
implement on my own heart …. I do damage.
And so, I believe my children need love and relationship and discipline. As their parents, we are responsible for that. What that specifically looks like, I still am not sure. I just know I'm disappointed by the extremes on both sides, and the way the evangelical world sometimes buys into them. Anyone have any other favorite resources/books about parenting? I'm in the middle of struggling with it, and I find that reading keeps my thinking and being intentional in how I respond to Judah in this stage.
Posts
